Welcome

Like so many things in life, the very thing I swore I’d never do, namely going to work in a corporate job, I ended up doing. And doing it with great gusto I might add. 

I fell into my first, longest, and most toxic job out of college when I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but needed money to pay the bills (and health insurance). Unlike the stereotypes I had of corporate cultures (garnered from two decades of watching my father and uncle stress out over their corporate jobs, popping high blood pressure meds and snapping over the most minor of inconveniences ), the company I worked for seemed…cool. Different. Bold. Unfussy. Unboring. Uncorporate.  

So I did what any high-achieving stubborn perfectionist constantly looking to prove themselves would do, and decided to set up shop for the long haul and conquer the corporate world. 

And it actually worked. 

The first 10-ish years were great. I worked in mortgage underwriting with people around the same age as me, made friends, received promotions, became a divisional vice president running a team of 250+ people at times, and became a well respected go-to person when shit was hitting the proverbial fan. 

It was around 2012 when the cracks in the facade of corporate glory started to become hard to ignore. The company’s refusal to hire more staff for two years running leaving us working 50+ hours per week, and in most cases a few hours one to two Saturdays a month. Then deciding to hire entry level people who we couldn’t train quick enough. 

The constant pressure to answer emails seemingly around the clock. The never ending meetings to try and perfect processes that could never be perfected because humans are humans and mistakes happen. The insane email chains when mistakes did happen whereby some member of the C-suite insinuated that nobody cared and we were all terrible, etc. 

It became damn near unbearable. But bear it I did (albeit with a 40 lb weight gain, dysfunctional relationship with alcohol, and massive panic and anxiety disorders), all the way until the beginning of  2018. 

And as is also the case with so many things in life, the hindsight here is stunning. Chef’s Kiss. Expert Level.  Especially since I didn’t learn I was a Human Design Projector or Highly Sensitive Person until after I left that job. Looking back with those two understandings in place, I can see exactly where things went wrong. 

The Good

As a Projector with a 5/1 Profile, the left angle cross of upheaval as my main energy (gates 18, 17, 39, and 38), and a highly sensitive person with an ability to process information deeply and an uncanny ability to read the energy of my teams plus a high degree of empathy, my job as a director and later a vice president was very much in alignment with my energy. 

That 5 line energy worked well for a company that was open to doing things differently and was never short of a crisis situation that needed solving (5 lines live in the projection field and can easily be seen as the go-to problem solver when all hell is breaking loose and no one knows what to do). 

My incarnation cross of upheaval also matched very well with the company when it came to being innovative and willing to try out new processes, both of which they revered. 

The ability to process information deeply as a highly sensitive person allowed me to really hone in on solutions others did not see and I was excellent at understanding at how changing one thing could lead to a domino effect in other departments. 

Being an empath allowed me to understand what my teams needed in terms of support, communication, and what would and would not motivate them. I regularly allowed folks to work from home (more on this in a bit), let people leave early, and by and large treated them like the grown adults they were. 

All of these made leadership and helping to improve processes company-wide a great fit for me, at least on paper. 

The Bad 

When things started to go south and I should have left, I stayed. 

Despite being seen as a go-to person (recognition for a Projector), I was very undervalued especially when it came to pay. This came out when HR decided to do some salary comparisons against the industry. 

I was not directly involved, however when all the HR analysis was done my boss sent me a spreadsheet listing out the salaries of my directors and team leaders. Their target salaries were substantially higher than what I was making as a VP. I was floored and also excited about the size of the raise I would be receiving.

Until my boss’s boss let us know that the CEO refused to pay us in line with industry standards because he didn’t believe it was warranted. I ended up with a $5K raise when a $40k-$50K bump was what the industry averages dictated. Red flag. 

Recognition can come in many forms, and while I was the de facto crisis manager who also oversaw a $2 billion pipeline of mortgage loans, I was never really recognized with the sort of positive recognition we all need to feel like we’re valued. Positive words or even a “thank you” were non-existent.

Nothing was ever good enough and the general vibe was that you were lucky to work there and should be striving to achieve a level of perfection that doesn’t exist. Oh, and don’t forget to put in at least 50 hours a week in the office and respond to non-urgent emails on the weekends!

Add the lack of fair and supportable compensation and the main forms of recognition a Projector needs were absent. 

And The Ugly

The worst parts of my corporate experience involved ye old hustle culture. The paradigm so beloved by corporate companies because they operate under the (extremely) misguided belief working all hours of the day is the epitome  of “hard work” (even though it rarely leads to anything valuable in terms of results). 

As a Projector and highly sensitive person my energy does not recharge at will. I have to be able to take breaks throughout the day, which is hard to do when you’re in meetings from 9:00 am to 1:30 pm (that striving to meet a level of perfection that doesn’t exist I mentioned above played out in meetings upon meetings to fix things that weren’t broken, but needed to be “improved” because we always had to look like we were striving for some mysterious goal of business nirvana). After the meetings it was time to play catch up on all the things that needed my attention, leaving very little time to actually, oh, I don’t know…create real change maybe?

Then there was the expectation to constantly check email outside of work because the CEO might need his ego placated at 9:24 pm on a Tuesday or on a Sunday afternoon. 

I could never turn work off and it drained me physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

Add to that the obsession with “making things better” resulted in micromanaging team members at times, making them follow overly specific processes and not allowing them to work how they needed to for their unique energy. This drove a lot of my peeps to frustration and burnout, and I started to really resent the company’s obsession with their beloved processes. (Resentment = Bitterness, the biggest Projector Red Flag of them all!)

Oh, and did I mention the open office plan that assaulted my senses? Not only with being able to see and overhear everything but the bold colors and decor so ridiculous it looked like something you’d see at the Circus Circus Casino in Las Vegas circa 1978. Seriously. Bright orange camo carpet. Hot pink walls. Lime green splashes. Mirrored tiles. It was like a fun house, but the kind you’d see in a cheap 80’s horror movie with D-list actors. 

It all just became too much and then finally, after a change of executive leaders, my “invitation” was withdrawn.

When A Projector’s Invitation Gets Withdrawn

The first thing that immediately clicked for me when I learned I was a HD Projector who needs to wait for the invitation to guide others was how obvious it was when that invitation was withdrawn. 

Looking back at the first 10 years of my career I basically had a standing invitation to run my teams, create processes, and initiate whatever I felt would be beneficial for meeting our goals as a department. 

My boss was pretty hands off and relied on me and my peers to drive the business forward. I had free reign and a company credit card to take my peeps out to lunch with. 

It was glorious. 

And then…he got moved out. Things rapidly declined and I noticed that the new management stopped included me in meetings, etc. I wasn’t the go-to person I used to be. Instead I was constantly on the defensive, and nothing, and I literally mean NOTHING, I did was right/good enough. 

Finally, I was done.  The day I handed in my resignation it was like the light of heaven shown down. And I have never, ever regretted my decision. 

Projector Lessons From Toxic Workplace Hell

While I have never regretted my decision to leave, I have very much needed to work through a lot of regret for staying so long. 

There were so many red flags that things were on the decline and that the company I’d first fallen in love with had morphed into something unrecognizable and decidedly toxic. 

It took me years to fully recover my health, and I always wonder if my hyperthyroid issues are somehow related to the prolonged stress and burnout I experienced (autoimmune diseases run in my family but I strongly believe the high degree of stress is what made it take hold).

While I do think Projectors and other highly sensitive souls can succeed in corporate careers, the main thing I’ve come to realize is that how we work is the main thing we need to understand.

Companies that are micro-managerial, believe in out-hustling everyone else, are more focused on how many hours are worked vs the results, and have a general obsession with how their employees work are not going to be good fits. 

Additionally, lack of recognition, subpar pay, and not being invited to share your insight or be involved in guiding the direction of the company are also signs that the company is not the right fit for a Projector’s gifts and talents. 

All of this hindsight enabled me to identify when my last two corporate jobs were not the right match for me anymore, and I moved on to better fitting roles, eventually deciding corporate and I were going to break up permanently. 

If you’re a Projector in corporate, I’d love to hear your thoughts below. I hope that sharing my experience was helpful to you, because it was definitely cathartic to write!

If you’re looking for some individual help to get yourself out of toxic corporate hell, I offer 90 minute sessions where we can create an exit strategy and soothe your frayed nervous system.

Hugs,
Elena 

*Editor’s Note: I use the term highly sensitive souls as an umbrella for all who resonate with being a highly sensitive person, empath, intuitive, human design Projector or Reflector, combination of the above, or anyone who has a deep sensitive to the world around them, requires downtime to recharge, and is able to see things most others miss.