Welcome

This is part two in a series of posts all about toxic workplaces (you can find part one, here)

Shortly after leaving my first (and incredibly toxic) corporate job, I came across this article by Laura Epson on the topic of insecure overachievers. To say that every light went on in my brain is an understatement. I felt seen. And I felt like I could finally answer the question: How the f-ck did I let this happen?

The author’s explanation of how being an insecure overachiever leads to overworking and exploitation by companies made so.much.sense. when I looked at myself, and most of my former colleagues.

How Working For and Staying At Toxic Companies Happens

A lot of times we end up at toxic workplaces not out of financial desperation or lack of other options, but because of how we view and feel about ourselves. And yes, this goes back to our childhood (#sorry).

There are certain characteristics of toxic managers and companies that feel familiar to us and allow us to continue to play out the patterns we picked up as kids because they feel normal to us. Familiar. And strangely enough, safe.

While I could categorize being susceptible to toxic workplaces as a symptom of low self-esteem and/or low self-worth, I think it’s important to understand the particulars of how the lack of these two characteristics show up in more nuanced forms.

The Patterns That Make a Toxic Workplace Feel Like Home

1. Looking for outside validation:

• If you grew up with volatile parents, had to walk on eggshells to avoid setting off a tirade of yelling or screaming, or were only praised for what you did vs. who you are, you probably look to others to validate that you’re not only doing a good job, but that you are a good person.

• There’s an overall theme of looking to other people to let you know if you’re doing things “the right way” because to you, doing things the “right way” means that you’re a “right” person. Seeking praise from others is common and toxic companies love this because it typically means you’ll go “above and beyond” to excel. This works great for them, while it burns you out.

2. Being achievement oriented to the extreme/ perfectionism:

• If I am perfect, people can’t NOT love me. If I do everything I’m asked (and then some), they cannot critique me. They cannot have any possible reason to withdraw their approval/love from me. The desire to be perfect and achieve once again helps toxic companies, while leaving you overworked and stressed.

• This can really get ugly if one of the main tenants of the toxic company is “nothing is ever good enough” because it keeps you on the hamster wheel of trying to prove yourself to get the elusive praise from your boss that’s never coming.

3. Believing that other people’s emotional states are our responsibility and/or emotional manipulation.

• If you grew up where a parent gave you the silent treatment or withdrew their love when you made the most minor of mistakes or refused to give them a hug, etc. guilt-tripped you because you made them feel a certain way, played the victim, or were flat out gaslit by being told “that never happened” when the event most certainly happened, you’ve got first-hand experience with emotional manipulation.

• One, we assume this is normal with authority figures and two, we become used to assuming other people’s emotional states are our responsibility. It becomes a given that if someone isn’t happy, it’s our fault, even when it isn’t. In the workplace this looks like putting up with severely emotionally immature behavior from managers and thinking it’s normal.

Where these three things lead is straight to People-Pleasing/Conflict Averse Land.

We jump through hoops, go above and beyond, do anything and everything we can to show our managers and company that we’re good people and worthy of love (i.e. continued employment), and when someone does act inappropriately, we avoid confronting them because we’re afraid to rock the boat for fear of being screamed at, etc.

Instead, we assume we’re in the wrong because obviously it must have been something we did to warrant such behavior (#3 above in action), and then go about trying harder to prove how amazing we are via doing more work and doing it perfectly so we can regulate others’ emotional states and make everyone calm and happy again.

Why Do We Stay?

Even when we recognize that where we are working is a dumpster fire, we continue to stay for a variety of reasons, some of them financial, some of them from being manipulated long enough to believe that “this is just how it is”.

The financial reasons are understandable, and the goal should be to find another job asap.

However, one of the main consequences of being subjected to toxic behavior at work is that it wears us down, makes us believe we don’t have anything of value to add (because nothing is ever good enough), and zaps our belief in ourselves.

Looking for a new job feels pointless because of the aforementioned “this is just how it is” coupled with the lack of self-worth and self-esteem that we’re carrying around. If I don’t think I have any valuable skills, who will hire me?

So we stay. And we stay. And we hope things will magically improve. Maybe we look for a new job on occasion, but we dismiss it pretty quickly. We claim it’s due to logical reasons (“I’d miss my year end bonus”, “I really like the people on my team”, “I might be next in line for a promotion and then I can make some changes around here to make it better”), but really, it’s a cover for not believing that we deserve better.

How to Get Past Your Own-Mindf*ckery Actually Get Out

Just because you don’t think you have valuable skills, doesn’t mean it’s true.

You most definitely do; you just need some help seeing yourself and all the good that you bring to the table.

Moving past a toxic workplace starts by recognizing that it was toxic, that you are NOT the problem, and understanding how your childhood patterns contributed to interpreting inappropriate behaviors and policies as “normal”.

Working with a therapist and/or coach can be immensely helpful in helping you to see the patterns that you need to break so you don’t continue to find yourself in toxic situations.

A career coach in particular can be a great help when it comes to being able to objectively see your accomplishments, skills, and talents and how they can translate to a new job in a healthier environment. (I worked with a career coach after I left my toxic job and it was incredibly validating, helpful, and calmed my anxiety around “who’s going to want to hire me???”)

If you’ve got trusted co-workers (current or former), friends, or family members that you feel comfortable with, ask them what they think are your strongest skills, what they think you’re a natural at, etc.

We all have trouble seeing ourselves at times and getting feedback from people we trust can go a long way to helping us rebuild our self-esteem.

And please please please apply for other jobs. It doesn’t matter how you feel about yourself. What matters is: Do I have the solution to this new company’s problems? Can I help them achieve their goals? If the answer is yes, apply for the job. If the answer is maybe, apply for the job. When in doubt, apply for the job.

Just because you cannot see yourself, doesn’t mean others cannot.

In conclusion

Do not beat yourself up for having set up camp in a toxic workplace; it can happen to anyone, especially if you’ve got wonky beliefs around how authority figures behave and people pleasing tendencies.

Taking time to reflect, working with a coach or therapist, and getting feedback from trusted people in your life can help you see your blind spots to red flags as well as all the amazing qualities you have.

Do not let thoughts like “this is just how it is”, “I have to learn to put up with this if I want to climb the corporate ladder”, “all companies are like this” deter you from finding a job elsewhere.

It’s NOT how it is. There are plenty of companies with healthy work environments and you deserve to be in one.

Above all, remember you are not the problem, your company is.  

I would love to hear from you if this post resonated with you, so don’t be shy in the comments below!

Hugs,
Elena