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This is one of those posts that could have — and to an extent has — gone in about half a dozen different directions (you should see my Google Docs lol). Few concepts are more pervasive in our culture than that of success. Namely, the success of achievement: reaching goals, hitting milestones, ticking off boxes on the “Successful Adult Checklist”.

And while that’s all fine and good, chasing after success — and even attaining it — is no guarantee of a life well lived. A life that feels fulfilling. That you actually enjoy being in. In fact, sometimes the pursuit of success results in quite the opposite.

To give this topic the depth it deserves, I’m turning this into a short series where we’ll explore the nuances and narratives around success, fulfillment, and what it truly means to build a life on your own terms. Consider this post an invitation to go within and begin examining your relationship with success.

The (Misguided) Pursuit of Success: A Case History

Several years ago, when I was working with a therapist to unwind the self-worth damage caused by a narcissistic parent and a toxic workplace, she invited me to a weekend retreat — essentially a group therapy intensive for those of us carrying similar wounds.

There were about a dozen of us. One of them, a man in his 60s, has lived in the back of my mind ever since.

He was, by the standard definition of the term, very successful. He worked as a financial planner, drove a high-end BMW and lived in the most bougie area of Detroit (yes, they do exist there). 

Yet, despite all the achievements and the successful career he was miserable. Why? Because he did it all to show his mother he could be a success. That he could achieve great things. That he was worthy of her love. Except, as is often the case with unhealthy or toxic parents, he failed to get from her what he desperately wanted (and needed). 

Instead, he was left with a pile of money and hollow accolades that might impress others, but which had stolen his life from him. He hated what he did for a living. There was success, but it did not in any way shape or form give him any sense of fulfillment in his life. So here he was, Mr. Successful, spending a weekend in group therapy trying to figure out how he could allow himself to build a life that he actually liked, that allowed him to have fun. 

It was such a wake-up call to my achievement oriented self and I am eternally grateful that I was able to meet him, hear him share his story, and see enough of myself in him to realize the path I was on wasn’t a fulfilling one.

Achievement Is Fleeting, Fulfillment Is The Long Game.

He’s not the only person I’ve encountered who found out the hard way that achievement and success do not equate to a life of enjoyment. From former coworkers and clients who got the promotion only to discover the stress of the added responsibility wasn’t worth the 10% increase in pay, to the folks who purchased their “dream homes” that looked impressive but resulted in too-long commutes and monthly utility bills that total more than a cruise vacation, to myself who kept chasing after the next rung on the corporate ladder despite my health tanking, our obsession with success is often our downfall. 

However, it doesn’t have to be if we make the shift from pursuing success to pursuing fulfillment instead. 

That man is not the only one I’ve encountered who’s learned the hard way that achievement does not automatically create a life of joy.

Former coworkers and clients who got the promotion, only to realize the stress wasn’t worth the 10% raise. People who bought their “dream homes,” only to find themselves drowning in bills and too-long commutes. Myself — climbing the corporate ladder while my health, creativity, and relationships crumbled below me.

But if we allow ourselves to shift from chasing success to cultivating fulfillment, we open the door to something far more sustainable — and far more soul-nourishing.

Success tends to center on outcomes. Fulfillment is about how you feel living your actual life.

It lives in the details:

• The conversations you have
• The work you do and how you do it
• The way your body feels when you wake up
• How you treat yourself
• What your life looks like between the highlight reels

If I had prioritized fulfillment earlier in my career, I might have made different choices — ones that honored my health, my values, and my joy. Instead, I chased achievements like they were life rafts, hoping they’d make me feel whole. They didn’t.

In Conclusion…

What I’ve come to understand — and what I now help my clients explore — is that success without fulfillment is just a performance. And most of us are exhausted from the act.

A life that feels good to live, not just one that looks good on paper, is something we’re all deserving of and you do not have to choose success or fulfillment. You get to have both.

The next post in this series will explore how to determine what feels fulfilling and where you can start making some course corrections to get off the achievement-at-all-cost hamster wheel and into a day-to-day that leaves you feeling centered, joyful, and down-to-the-recesses-of-your-soul good.

Hugs,

Elena

P.S. If you’re ready to stop chasing and start becoming — I invite you to explore what’s next through working together.